User blog:Kallenhaney14/Funny but fucked upTES lore comics
WARNING! MAKE SURE YOU ARE IN A DARK ROOM OR IN A ROOM WITH NO ONE ELSE IN IT WHEN YOU READ SOME OF THESE COMICS!!! Warning: Contains adult content do not read if you are under the age of 16 will not be held accountable for offensive materials you were warned (blitz says) Funny Random Mini-Comics :The Birth of the Orcs (Kallens Version of how Orcs came to be) :some random Daedra "hey look my shit is walking and talking and fighting i shall name my shit Orc!" :Blitz- its Orsimer dip shit and the Daedra's name was Beothiah and (blah blah blah kallen shuts blitz out and continues story)"Orsimer! thank you anomonous voice!" the Daedra replies :"you! piece of shit!" :"yes?" :"you are now a race of creatures called Orsimer or Orcs for short" :"okay" :"good now move aside before the rest of my 'Orsimer' shit lands on you and kills you" :Kallen "and that's how Orcs are born children" ----- : Alduin and his "Defeat" :"It's sooo boring nowadays! what, being an immortal entity and all" Alduin said :"But Alduin my king! you are immortal you live forever you won't ever die" replied a random dragon :"SHUT YOUR MOUTH! IDIOT! DON'T JINX ME!! WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!" :"s-sorry master" replied the random dragon 3 years later :"Alduin you piece of shit get your ass down here!" yelled 1 of the 3 dragonborn :"Nuh uh!" Alduin replied :"oh yes you will!" the 3 replied in unison then they shouted a shout so fucking dumb that Alduin was stunned by the stupidity of it causing him to crash and break his wing :"yeah! we got him!" the female replied before she was eaten by Alduin :"We can't beat him!" yelled the one dressed all in black :"obviously, you guys are like tooth picks and shout like little girls" Alduin replied :"I'm going to read the elder scroll!" the black-clothed one said :"really? really! you guys challenge me to a fight between Dovahkiin and you can't even finish what you started? that's such bull-" before Alduin could finish he was warped into the fabric of space and time :oh goody! now I got another 100 years or so of boredom.....those fucking assholes! I'll enslave all of the mortals now as punishment for sending me here...well until I get out that is Alduin thought (editors note: psst kallen none of them were dragonborns they just studied with Paarthurnax to learn shouts and...ah i dont know why im bothering ,me just being a smart*** agian XD Blitzbear93 ----- : Ulfrics...."Endeavor" :Random courier "Ulfric I have a letter for you! hmmmm it just says 'from a VERY close friend' oh and a big kiss is on it too" :Ulfric "THERE IS?! LEMME SEE IT!" Ulfric the swipes the letter from the stunned courier. :"FOOL! WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THIS LETTER OUT IN PUBLIC! ARE YOU STUPID! ooh its from that argonian stripper I had met yesterday, he looked quite handsome too, oh hey! he's available tonight!" :what Ulfric did not notice was that he was in the center of Whindhelm when he said that and it was midday which meant that the square was pretty crowded, now every one knows why he did not marry the rightful High Queen when he had taken over Solitude...but that doesn't mean that they WANTED to find out. poor Ulfric, that gay bastard. ----- :Alduins defeat part 2 :"Ahhh finally the Elder Scroll has weakened its bonds now I can finally leave!" exclaimed Alduin :"yeah, yeah, leave already your sooo annoying, gods! why did I even volunteer for this job!" The Elder Scroll yelled out loud in anger. : 2 years later, the new Dragonborn has obtained an Elder Scroll and has learned the "incredibly stupid shout so fucking dumb that Alduin was stunned by the stupidity of it" also know as "Dragons ass" or "Dragonrend" : The Dragonborn has met with Paarthurnax and is planning to fight Alduin today. :"you SURE this will work Paarthurnax?" the Dragonborn asked caustiously. :"yes Dovahkiin I'm sure this shall work" Paarthurnax replied. :"then why are you smiling like that?" the Dragonborn asked. :"because Dovahkiin, your pants fell down again" Paarthurnax laughed. :"ACK!" cried the Dragonborn trying to pull her pants up while dodging the gushing flames coming from Paarthurnax's mouth as he laughed. : a few minutes later Alduin arrives. :"sorry I was late guys had to stop by McDonalds for lunch, here I brought some food for you guys as well" Alduin said. :so for 30 minutes the three of them ate Cheese burgers and chatted about what they thought about the war. :"I think its just a bunch of Bullshit, so I should just grab a bag of Popcorn and find a good place to sit while I watch the war" the Dragonborn said. :"I think you mortals are fun to watch and tasty to eat" replied Alduin (his version of a cheese burger was a human squished between two other humans to make a human sandwhich, with some cheese of course). :"I think that the Thalmor are up to this" Paarthurnax said :"cricket...cricket....cricket..."(crickets playing the song party rock). :"Nah" replied both the Dragonborn and Alduin in unison. :"okay now that that's done Alduin, shall we get down to business?" the Dragonborn asks. :"sure why not?" Alduin replied. :"good! Sa-Thr...aww shit! I forgot the words again! damn A.D.D.!" the Dragonborn cursed. :"well guess its my turn then" Alduin said "FUS-RO-DAH!" :"ahhhh! you asshole!" the Dragonborn replied her voice getting fainter as she flew off the summit of the "Throat of the World". :"well now that that's finished I shall be heading to Sovngarde so that I may rest. I think I ate too many human burgers" Alduin replied as he flew off and teleported to Sovngarde. :"DRAGONBORN! DID YOU WIN!? IS ALDUIN DEAD!?" asked everybody so anxiously. :"uhhhh yes? yes I did, but we uhhh" The Dragonborn murmured "need to travel to Sovngarde" :".....you didn't win did you?" :"uhhh....no, no I didn't....but lunch was free...lemme guess you guys don't care?" :everyone shook their heads from side to side indictating that no they did not care. ----- :Where the Dwemer went (Kallens Hypothesis (and for those who cant read big words it means guess) of where they went) Its been several years since anyone has seen the Dwemer, but Kallen is determined to find out where. :She begins her quest by asking people "have you seen a yay tall midget?" she would ask placing her hand on her waist palm down to indicate how tall they were. :"No" was the usual reply. :but one day she found an old man dying of thirst in a old Dwemer ruin (which was surprisingly 3/4's full of water I don't know why he was dying of thirst) and when she asked him if he saw any he said "No but if you help this man up I can give you a septim". :I obviously helped him up. He gave me the septim and said "thanks bitch for helping me out now get on your knees and beg" and he transforms into Molag Bal, holding his Mace. :"awww shit." I said and ran for my life. I then fell down a hole, it was AWSOME! IT WAS LIKE A GIANT WATER SLIDE! and ended up in a totally different area, and in this area was one of the most technological, the most advanced, the most AMAZING invention ever MADE by the dwemer!...A FULLY FUNCTIONAL BATHROOM! it had what looked like white stone buckets, the buckets had lids and these little handles that when pushed would activate a hidden mechanism and the nasty shit and pee would drain away and NEW water would be filled into the white bucket! they also had these amazing big white trenchs that had these weird metal things at the end that had a handle on each side of this big tube and when the handles were moved either hot water or cold water would pour out! and then there was these amazing white marble buckets that hanged from the wall and they too had a hose with two handles on each side like the big trench! :and when I turned around I found a big pile of bones in the corner...they were the Dwemer...how'd I know?...simple I resurrected one and he told me so...so I found where they went...and I feel as if Sovngarde would be hell compared to this Nirvana. :"And that's the story of how I met the Dwemer kids... any Questions?" :some random snotty 12 year old "yeah I do! YOUR A FUCKIN LIAR ARENT YOU BITCH!" :"FUCK YOU!" I say as I kick the snotty 12 year old in the balls "BE RESPECTFUL! LIKE ME!" :Lydia "hey honey I made you pie aga-" :Me "LYDIA SHUT DA FUCK UP! I HATE YOUR GOD DAMN PIES!" ----- :Why the Falmer are blind (Kallens version of how and why the Falmer are blind (btw I do know the reason why so no comments on my stupidity k?)) "It began several years ago after a battle I had with 10 Falmer, they were pretty tough even though they were blind, during the fight I did not think about why their eyes were so ugly, but after the battle and I went to loot from their bodies, I noticed that their eyelids were closed, so I put some worn gloves on and used my right hand ring finger along with my thumb and gently pulled the lids apart, what I saw was so hideous that I cannot even begin to describe it or even care to describe it, but I will say THIS, they were blind for a reason and I want to know why...also their eyelids were CLOSED for a reason, and that's a reason I wished I never found out about. :So I decided to head back to Dwemer Nirvana and ask my dead Dwemer friends why the Falmer were blind. :"So, my now undead friend, can you tell me why the Falmer are blind?" I ask a Dwemer corpse that I had resurrected. :"Yes I do, but I do not think that you necessarily want to find out" The Dwemer corpse said. :"BUT I REALLY WANT TO KNOW!" I say beggingly. :"Okay but don't say I didn't warn you" the Dwemer corpse said. :"YAY!THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH!" I say jumping up and down then stopping and sitting cross-legged on the floor so that my yes met the Dwemers. :The Dwemer took a deep breath and said "They used to spy on us during the night, and during the night we Dwemer fuck each other no matter how tired we are, it took several months before they ease dropped on the wrong Dwarves...and they witnessed Gay porn...after that they were Blind forever..." The Dwemer says as he dissipates into dust. :"O-kay I did NOT need to know that, seriously I did NOT need to or WANT to hear that" she says her eyes wide open. :"And that's how I discovered how the Falmer were blind AND why people hate Gay porn." Kallen says as she finishes her story, "so YOU, YOU THE LOUD MOUTH TEEN! do you have anything to say about this?" She asks him, giving him a devilish smile. :"I am sorry and please don't ever retell that tale EVER again!" He says as he drops to his knees crying. :"okay" I say off-handedly. ----- :Why Kallen makes these comics and why she prefers to continue to fuck up TES lore "So I have done all I could to make you kids laugh, and you laughed, maybe not to all of the comics, but to some. And yet I continue to get death glares from you? I understand you concern and rage at my comics (trust me, blitz gets into a rage whenever I ask her to read a comic of mine), but does that necessarily mean that my comics are bad? I mean come on! EVERYONE knows that these comics are fucked up! even the BOOKS in skyrim (that btw don't make much sense themselves) explain the truth! so why must you keep hating on me? unless your jealous" Kallen says laughing "I doubt that your jealous though, because who would want to purposefully fuck up TES lore just to make other people laugh? (besides me of course) so if you guys want me to start writing down ACTUAL lore comics then tell me so that I can start making TES lore comics" Kallen says to all of you readers out there who either enjoy her comics or do not. ----- :Why Bosmer are commonly known as Tree Fuckers (blitz this is for you, you tree fucking bear xD ) I was travelling the lands of Skyrim, looking for more fucked up things, when I saw a handsome Bosmer. :"hello handsome" I said to him, but he never responded. So I had decided to follow him. :We walked across mountains, went through dungeons, and crossed a forest, until we came upon a little cave. Naturally the Bosmer went in, So I had to too, and when I got inside I saw the biggest tree ever in Skyrim, the Tree of Life, and I followed the Bosmer as he walked up to it, but as he got close to it he pulled down his pants, I looked away thinking that he was going to pee on it...until I heard him grunting, that's when I looked up and saw him FUCKING the Tree of Life, I was so stunned that I killed him immediantly. After that I started noticing that many Bosmer had fucked the tree...How'd I know?...they carved their names into the trees bark... :"so did you guys learn anything?" she asks the kids. :"yeah, why do you keep telling us these bad stories when we're just kids?" said a small 7 year old :"I can ask you why you are coming over to my house everyday to listen to me tell you these stories" I say to her. ----- :The things that Guards say when I talk to them Guard: "you know I could've gone into the DarkBrotherhood sanctuary and killend all those Darkbrotherhood types but I was...sick that day" Guard #2: "YOU...you are the one who wiped out the DarkBrotherhood! all the guards are talking about it....your a hero to us all!" (to be continued once I have time to add more damnit! lol) ----- :What the Draugr do in their spare time part 1 (I was clueless about what comic to write next so thank Darion Cousland for the idea) I have always been fascinated by the Draugr, they are dumb and easy to kill not to mention really loyal, and so one day I thought to myself "I wonder what Draugr do in their spare time?". So with that thought in mind I headed to the Labrynthian, it's the biggest building that has Draugr in it it's like a huge storehouse of idiots! When I got to Labrynthian I saw it had such a big courtyard and I couldn't help but gasping as the moonlight made the snow sparkle in such a pretty way. I smiled and entered the courtyard, all beautiful things must have an ugly side right? but right there in the middle were 3 frost trolls playing "who gets the head" with a male Nords head, she knew it was a male Nord because it was ugly as hell, so, me being a peace-ish lover, sneaked around them keeping my distance and then ran up the stairs to a huge Altmer-Fuckin door that seemed to be sealed shut. how am I going to open this Bastard? I thought to myself as I looked down and saw a huge nose-ring looking iron object. I look at the door and notice something, "it looks like that nose-ring-thingy fits on this weird...whatever it is on the door!" I say excitedly and pick up the nose-ring-thingy and attach it to the whatever the fuck it is, that is on the door, and watch as the door opens without much trouble. But I only took two steps inside when a big skeleton of a dragon is reanimated. :"WHAT THE FUCK IS A KITTY DOING IN THIS SACRED TEMPLE?" The bony dragon says, making sounds that seem to be it's way of laughing. :I walk up to the bony dragon and shove my two fingers of my right hand on his forehead as if I was scolding him "My name is Kallen not "Kitty" now respect that well, Mr. Not-so-sexy Bone Dragon!" I say tapping his forehead with my two fingers. :The Bone Dragon seems to be shocked for a few moments before snapping his jaws and almost biting my hand off "YOU BITCH! HOW AM I NOT SEXY?! ONE THOUSAND YEARS AGO I WAS THE SEXIEST DRAGON ON TAMRIEL!!" He roars. :"yeah I'm not into old dudes sorry" I say and attempt to walk through him (he's nothing but bones and non-sexy-ness), but stopped when he picks me up with his tail running up the back of my shirt, going under the back my shirt and the tip poking out of my shirts collar lift me up. :"NOT SO FAST BITCH!" :"I'm a cat so the correct term is, "Pussy"" I say interrupting him. :"ERGH! FINE! LET ME REPHRASE THAT" He says and coughs a bit "NOW SHALL WE START FROM THE BEGINING?" He asks. :"Do I really have much of a choice?" I ask him. :"POINT TAKEN" He says acknowledging my statement. :"NOT SO FAST PUSSY!" He repeats, "FOR INSULTING ME! AND SAYING THAT I WASN'T SEXY! I WILL RAPE YOU!!" He roars. :I look at him Has he lost his mind? Does he even realize that he doesn't have a dick? I think to myself. :"Um Mr. Not-so-Sexy Bone Dragon sir? How you going to rape me if you don't have a dick?" I ask confused and acting innocent. :"UHHHH" He say and looks down to look under him to see if his dick was still there, then giving an angry roar when he doesn't see it. :"WELL I WILL JUST USE MY TAIL! AND HAVE THE SKELETONS HOLD YOU DOWN! HAHAHA!" He roars, laughing as well, and flicks his tail, throwing her to the ground as 6 skeletons hold her down. :"Let me go you dead bastards!" I yell, struggling to get out of their grasp but failing miserably. :"HAHAHA! THIS WILL BE FUN!" He roars as he comes closer to me. :Why did I leave my weapons at home? I wonder to myself as his head hovers above me. ----- :Part 2 of "What the Draugr do in their spare time" After a few hours of being raped by a dragons tail (It wasn't fun, bet Molag would make that dead dragon his champion had he watched what went down...besides me lol), mr. Not-so-sexy apparently got tired and then fell apart. :"Well....let me gather my clothes" I say outloud and gather my clothes up, then as I put them on I get an idea. "Maybe I should grab one of these swords the skeletons were carrying....nah" I say to myself and walk through the big door on the opposite side of the room. As I walk down the corridors, passing dead corpses and not-so-dead corpses, I come into a nice large room with a big long table with several Draugr sitting on the benches and playing "Draugr Solitaire". So I decide to just in the doorway and watch them play, it took several minutes until one of the Draugr threw its bony arms up angrily and noticed me standing in the doorway. :"WHAT IS A PUSSY DOING IN OUR HOUSE?!" The Draugr who lost yells at me. :"Don't harass the cat" The Draugr who sat directly across from the Draugr says calmly. :"BUT SHE IS INTUDING ON OUR BURIAL GROUNDS! AND OUR MASTERS SACRED CHAMBER!" :"You're not completely dead are you?" :"WELL NO, BUT-" :"then shut the fuck up Ulfrnen" :"FINE! HAVE IT YOUR WAY! SNORRN!" Ulfrnen yells at Snorrn. :"They have names?" I say to myself quietly :"Hey Snorrn shouldn't we, well you know, KILL her?" (to be continued once not so many people are fighting for my attention lol) Category:Blog posts